“I’m just not comfortable with that!” That is what Ruby wails whenever she’s upset about something. Lately the biggest thing upsetting her is….
Come on, you can guess this….
Her little brother!
It’s tough for Ruby. One one level, she genuinely does love and appreciate Carl. She plays with him, she helps him out, she sleeps in his room, bathes in the same tub, reads the same books, coaches him, and has a lot of fun with him. On the other level, he is the bane of her existence, the one who grasps no subtleties, who always gets his way, who sucks up all the parental attention, who gets more presents, who makes the biggest messes, who punches first and asks questions later, the one who gets her into trouble by making her so mad that she can’t help but smack him. A sister, she thinks, would be so much better. Why, she demands to know, is he like that? Why is he so mean? Why does he always get to be first (or last, if it’s something she doesn’t want to do)? Why can't she have a sister?
I am sympathetic on so many levels. First, boys are from Mars, truly, and Carl is a force unto himself. I’m glad Ruby connects with him at all. Second, I had two little sisters, and I remember a thing or two about sibling rivalry; feeling like the other one is getting a better deal than you, having to share every single resource, being expected to be the mature and patient older one all the time, and oh, those fights. My sisters can kick, I tell you. Third, I wish Ruby had a sister, too. It's not that I wish Carl were female, just that I mourn Ruby’s loss of the girl bonding experience. As a girl, I can say that it is nice to be understood on a level that I doubt will ever be in Carl's repertoire. I also wish Carl had a brother, although two little boys might be more than I could take. But neither is going to come along; Ruby and Carl are only ever going to have each other.
I worry that I am somehow not being fair; that the inequities Ruby perceives really exist. My intention is to treat basically them the same with variations according to their individual needs and temperaments, but am I really doing it? And do I ask too much of the big sister and not enough of the little boy?
And when my six year old is upset about this, what do I do? How do I make her feel understood, and how do we help her cope with the situation? I don’t want to make it a big deal, but I don’t want her to think I’m not listening, either. I have adult friends who still have mental scars from how they believed their families mis-handled some of these questions and I don't want Ruby to join that team.
I think on some level Ruby just needs to find a close friend and confidante; she’s having to work harder to negotiate friendships lately, too. She has a lot of friends to play with, most of them boys, whose idea of a good time is somewhat different from hers. She has a couple of girl friends, but those have not been the easiest relationships this year. Her ‘best friend’ is in her class and they have what looks like a fairly dysfunctional groove going on to me, but I’m staying out of it except when I’m asked. Among other sticking points, they have an ongoing argument about how much time they will spend working together (Ruby feels like she needs more space and to work alone at least part of each work period, her friend feels rejected), and they also use a lot of energy trying to one-up each other in various ways.
Anyway, thank you for reading and allowing me to get some of my daily worry quota down onto paper. I guess I’ll go re-read Siblings Without Rivalry.
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